


Forced Words

by Ilikethisship_itsexciting



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Love, M/M, a little influence from tos but it makes sense, canonverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-20
Updated: 2013-07-25
Packaged: 2017-12-15 15:13:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/850990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ilikethisship_itsexciting/pseuds/Ilikethisship_itsexciting
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two months after returning to the Enterprise and Kirk is tired already, tired of the odd looks, tired of the crew acting differently around him and especially tired of the emotionally constipated Vulcan onboard.<br/>Flashbacks of his alternate life haunt Jim as he tries to try and make sense of what is going on between himself and his First Officer whilst trying to work out what is going on with himself.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>ST:ID SPOILERS</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Insecurity

**Author's Note:**

> I should probably mention that I do not own Star Trek or any of it's characters. This is my first Spirk fanfiction so, enjoy.  
>  _-More chapters coming soon- ___  
>  _(lots of love to Holly for proof-reading and improving) ___  
> This chapter is a build up of Spock and Kirk's emotions and thoughts at the time, there is a plot, trust me.

“Spock, what are the sensors showing?”

“No ships in the immediate vicinity.”

“Any planets, stars, asteroids, anything?!”

“Nothing for the next 10 lightyears, Captain.”

Jim sighed and rubbed his eyes. It’d only been two months in space but he was tired. Tired of the nothingness in this galaxy and the tension between him and his bridge crew.  He turned, trying to make more conversation with his first officer but he had already turned away, “Thanks Spock.”

It’s not that Jim had done anything wrong, but no one knew what to say to him it’s not like they could say ‘hey sorry about you dying and all whoops’ or ‘how does it feel to have genetically modified freak blood inside you’ but he’d gotten used to how they all stared at him like he was about to drop dead or commit mass murder.

Everyone apart from Spock. He just avoided Jim like he was contagious. Maybe he thought that if he was around Jim too long he might catch human emotion again. But they weren’t talking about that. About the fact that Spock had cried, almost killed Khan and they practically declared their love for each other. Because you know, they’re the things you don’t talk about, because that’s healthy.

Jim sat there for another hour, his head rested on the back of the chair, everyone milling around him but no one acknowledging him. He yawned and sat up, he had decided that he was going to do it, he was going to talk to Spock. Smooth things out. Just as he was standing up a voice came through to his receiver “Sick Bay to Captain Kirk”. He sighed and pressed the receive button “Kirk, what is it?” McCoy’s gruff voice gave the reply “Jim, get down here.” Another sigh, Bones did not sound happy. Actually, when did he ever sound happy? “Why?” Jim hoped the annoyance was clear in his voice. “Just get down here.” For the captain he sure did get ordered around a lot. “Fine.”

The sick bay was quiet apart from Bones muttering to a patient in a bad far away. He finished his sentence and walked over to Kirk, “took your time” Bones grumbled as he led Jim to a bed. “I need to give you a check up to make sure you’re okay” Jim rolled his eyes and remained standing, “I’m fine.” Bones gave a sarcastic smile and pushed Jim lightly so he would sit down, “sure, you didn’t just die or anything.”

An hour later the check up was complete and Jim stood up and started heading for the door before McCoy’s arm shot in front of him. “Tell him.” Bones has this fantastic talent for going from gruff and moody one second to caring and sympathetic the next. Jim turned to face him trying to keep his face emotionless, “tell who what exactly?” McCoy just kept a hard stare.

 “You know who and you know what.” Bones grumbled, back to gruff and moody then. Bones looked over to the patient on the other side of the bay and lowered his voice “kid, I sleep in the room next to you, you really think I haven’t heard you calling out in the night? I know you have nightmares and I know who you always call for.” They both kept silent for a few minutes before Jim piped up, “bullshit. I’m fine and I have no idea who you’re talking about.” Bones rolled his eyes and removed his arm from in front of Jim. Jim gave him a little smile and left, his face dropping when he was out of McCoy’s sight. Note to self- get quarters sound-proofed.

* * *

 

As soon as Kirk got back to the bridge everyone’s previous chatter had turned to whispers. He wouldn’t mind if he didn’t know that the whispers were about him. The only one remaining silent was Spock. He’d seemed withdrawn lately, not really talking to anyone, not even Uhura.

“Lieutenant Uhura,” Kirk announced, “can I talk to you a minute?” Uhura turned to him and frowned before walking towards him. “Yes?” She paused for a second, “sir.” She added. Still hasn’t lost her charm. “In private.” Jim walked into the door, Uhura close behind.

 Once they got to a quiet area of the ship Jim stopped and ushered her to stop too. “What is this about captain?” Her tone softened with Jim when they were alone, a pride thing probably. “I just wanted to know, well, I wanted to ask, what’s up with Spock?” Uhura sighed and looked at Jim, “why don’t you ask him?” He stepped back, sensing tension. “Well, he’s avoiding me for one.” Jim shifted awkwardly. “What, you guys haven’t broken up or something?!” She looked at the floor and sniffed.

“Yes, I broke it off.” She paused before quickly adding, “this won’t affect the running of this ship, in anyway. Besides, he seems unaffected emotionally.”

“Well,he is Vul-“ Jim stopped, remembering Spock crying. “Anyway, why did you break it off?!”

Uhura sighed uncomfortably and paused for a few minutes. “Spock’s biggest problem with himself is insecurity. He is scared of his human side, he is scared of his vulnerability showing. There is only one person he lets see that vunerable side, that he loses the insecurity for. And that’s not me…” She inhaled sharply “not anymore.” She gives him a sad smile. “Can I go back to my post now captain?”

Kirk remained silent, still taking in what she said. “Yeah, sure, sure.” 

Kirk hid out in his quarters for the rest of the shift. He sat on his bed staring at the ceiling before finally drifting off.

He can see Spock behind glass, he is slumped against it looking frail and damaged, he is talking to Kirk but he can’t hear what he is saying. Spock places his hand on the glass and Jim raises his own hand desperately wanting to hold him, let him know that everything will be okay. Spock closes his eyes and exhales. His body goes limp, his hand slides down the glass, Kirk is telling himself that no, this is just a dream but it’s not.

“JIM. JIM!” Jim snapped up, breathing heavily, covered in sweat. McCoy’s concerned face greeted him. “Jesus, Bones.” Jim stood up and tried to calm his pulse.

“You were the one shouting!” All of the compassion had left Bones’ face. “Nightmare?” Jim shook his head. He wished it was a nightmare.

Jim stretched and faced McCoy, “when Spock, old Spock, mind melded with me I saw everything from his past. I keep getting flashbacks of the meld now and it’s….. It’s not nice.” McCoy just nodded and Jim walked towards his bathroom still trying to calm himself down. “Sorry kid. I think the only logical thing to do is to talk to Spock, just you stroppy I can deal with, but both of you?” Jim let out a small snort.

“Maybe you can talk to him for me?” McCoy scowled at the question, “Dammit Jim I’m a doctor, not a damn couples counsellor.” Jim gave a light laugh but it was obvious that this Spock situation worried him. Bones put his hand on Jim’s shoulder and squeezed lightly, “I have no love for the hobgoblin but I do know that he cares for you and that he will listen if you talk to him.” Bones sighed a little and dropped his hand. “Every single day of your recovery he would sit by your bed for hours just silently watching. One time I saw him crying, silently, just at the sight of you like that.” Jim lifted his head, his eyes gleaming, “you really think he doesn’t care about you kid?”

“I gotta go but I’ll see you later Jim.” McCoy left Kirk alone to his thoughts.

 

* * *

 

“Captain, you wanted to see me?” Spock stood in the doorway, his hands behind his back, his body language tense. “Yes, Spock, come in,” Jim smiled warmly and gestured to the chair opposite him but Spock chose to move a few steps forward and remain standing. “What is this about?” His face was completely emotionless - normally Jim can read his expressions but… nothing. “We need to talk.” Spock shifted uncomfortably and looked at the door as if he was planning an escape route. “May I inquire what we need to talk about, captain?”

“You can call me Jim, y’know.” Spock nodded slightly, obviously eager to leave. “Anyway. We need to talk about what happened. With me dying and everything.”

“Captain-“ “No Spock, it’s time we talked about this.” Spock’s awkward shuffling now looked like he needed the toilet. “Sir, I do not know what there is to say.”

“Well I could mention the fact that we basically declared our love for each other or maybe the fact that you cried or perhaps the little detail of you beating a super man half to death because of me or we could even talk about how you stayed by my bedside everyday while I was recovering or we could just ignore everything that’s going on because that’s what you Vulcans do isn’t it? You hide your feelings! Well, I have news for you, Spock.” All of Jim’s pent up anger, rage and hurt all came out at once and he stepped closer to a confused looking Spock and leaned in close, “ _you are not Vulcan and you are not human so what are you_?” He spat every word out vehemently. Kirk had no idea why he was saying all these things, they were just pouring out his mouth like vomit.

Jim stepped back a little and continued, part of him was trying to get a reaction, an emotion to prove that Spock was capable. “Tell me, _who are you? What do you feel?_ I saw you, the real you but you’ve closed again and I can’t bear it Spock.” Jim’s voice had softened. “I need you to show emotion. I need you to admit that you care for me. I just need you, I’m nothing without you. You’re my other half.” Spock’s face remained blank except his eyes. His eyes were sad. “Capt- Jim. I do not know who or what I am and I do not know what I feel but I do know that I would like to request permission to leave.” Jim’s mouth opened, partly in shock, the other part trying to find something to say.

“I love you Spock.” Jim’s mouth closed and he swallowed, awaiting a reply.

“May I leave now captain?” Spock’s voice was a whisper and he was looking at the floor, Jim could see that his eyes had tears but the rest of his body was blank. Silence filled the air.

“Yes.” Jim answered in a hushed voice, he’d had to force out the words.

 

* * *

 

Jim had more flashbacks that night, many more than before but these weren’t sad ones, these were happy memories, which made Jim feel worse. He loved Spock in both universes but his Spock did not love him back.  One flashback was different. McCoy and Spock in a jail cell, Bones was talking to Spock and there is one line that he says that keeps repeating in Jim's head, _“That’s it, isn’t it? Insecurity. Why, you wouldn’t know what to do with a genuine, warm, decent feeling."_


	2. James T. Kirk was considered to be a great man, but that was another life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Jim still battles his emotions rumours start to fly about his and Spock's meeting. Him and Lieutentant Sulu investigate a barren planet and find out more than they expected not only about the planet but about themselves.  
> As the hours draw on Jim tries and cope with a man breaking in front of him and what's happening inside his head.  
> It's time for Jim to face the questions he didn't want to face.  
>  _When Jim can't control himself how is he supposed to control his crew? ___  
>  _How can he protect Spock when he is the one hurting him? ___

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this was hard to write, ergo the late upload, sorry.  
> It's a lot of plot at one time and can be hard to follow but I needed to try and fit in all in there.  
>  _Lots of love and thanks to destieliscanoninmyheart.tumblr.com for proof-reading ___  
> Enjoy, more chapters coming.

“Captain, scanners are showing a planet which the computer has confirmed as Tvetra. It is a class m planet with an oxygen and nitrogen atmosphere.”

“Thank you Mr Spo-“ Kirk paused and turned towards the scanners, “Mr Sulu? _Where_ is Mr Spock?” Sulu looked towards Chekov who gave a small shrug before they both turned towards the captain.

“We assumed because of what happened last night.” Jim raised his eyebrows, prompting Sulu to continue, “the argument between Mr Spock and yourself?” Oh great, some nosy crewmember must’ve listened into their...meeting.

Kirk wanted to go to Spock’s quarters and ask him to transport down with them but he stayed seated. He thought about telling Bones to come with him but he didn’t need him and he didn’t want another lecture about his behaviour lately.

He sprung up and started making his way to the door, “Sulu, with me, Chekov get us within transporter range, warp factor one. Scotty, you have the conn.”

“Aye Aye Keptin.”

“Aye, sir.”

* * *

A strange silence filled the air whilst Kirk and Sulu made their way to the transporter. “What’s on your mind lieutenant?”

“Nothing captain.” Sulu replied too quickly.

“Are you sure?” Jim watches as Sulu gulps and looks at the floor.

“Can I ask you a personal question sir?”

“Sure. If I can ask one about you. And you can call me Jim by the way.” Sulu lifts his head and smiles slightly.

“Okay. Jim. What has happened between you and Mr Spock?” Jim sighs, of course he was going to ask that.

“In short, I made an assumption that turned out to be false and when I found out that it was un-true I lashed out at Spock.”

“What was the assumption?” That he loved me back, that my soulmate felt the same way and would be willing to admit those feelings Jim just wants to blurt everything out, Sulu is one of those people that you just want to tell everything to but in reality Jim knows he can’t, he doesn’t trust him.

“I agreed to one personal question. Now it’s time I asked mine.” Sulu huffed slightly, probably annoyed at Jim’s answer.

“Okay, go ahead.”

“How long have you and Chekov been, y’know.... together?” Jim smiles at Sulu all flustered, his cheeks red.

“Sir, I promise you it won’t affect the running of this ship in anyway-“ “Sulu! It’s okay! You still haven’t answered my question though.” Sulu exhales slightly, relieved.

“About 7 months, we didn’t want to tell anyone, how did you know?”

Jim knew because they looked at each other the same way him and Spock used to look at each other, the look of reassurances, look of amusement, look of adoration. “Call it an educated guess.”

Sulu turns to smile at Jim as they reach the transporter room.

“We’re going to transport down, collect some data and then get the hell outta there, okay?”

“Yes captain,” Sulu replied eagerly.

“Now shall we go?” They take their place on the pads.

“Energise.”

 

* * *

 

The planet is barren, hardly any life. It was very unlikely that anyone lived here which made this mission considerably easier. Honestly Jim just wanted to get back to the ship, he was feeling agitated and the 40 degree sun wasn’t helping. “Report.”

“As you can see apart from a few plants and insects this planet is completely lifeless.” Sulu bends down and scans the ground before walking around surveying the area.

“We should get some samples and go, Sulu can yo-“ Kirk feels a sharp pain in the side of his head and feels himself fall to the ground before everything goes black.

 

* * *

 

“Captain, captain, JIM” Kirk’s eyes snap open at the sound of Sulu’s voice

“WHAT.” Sulu flinches at Kirk’s voice, he slides back a surprised look on his face. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Jim sits up and rubs his eyes, a dull pain terrorised the side of head. His headache was making his eyes throb and every muscle ached.  He looked around, they were underground, it was dark but there was a small light in the corner and they were surrounded by dirt. Sulu was sitting a little way from Jim.

“Are you okay sir?”  His voice was shaky and Sulu still looked at Jim as if he was a lion about to eat him.

“Yes, I’m fine. Did they hurt you?” Jim tried to stand but hit his head letting out a grunt.

“They attacked me too but I’m fine.”

The agitation in him still hadn’t subsided. It was like he was angry all the time now. Angry at Khan, angry at his crew, angry at Spock and angry with himself.  Maybe this is what dying does to a person.

Jim searched his pockets for his communicator or his phaser. Phaser, no but he still had his communicator. Jim exhaled with relief and looked at Sulu who smiled a little with relief before moving a little closer to Jim. He flicked it open and spoke into it “Kirk to Enterprise, come in Enterprise.”

No response.

“Kirk to Enterprise. COME IN ENTERPRISE.”

Silence.

A voice crackles down the communicator, “Keptin, Keptin!”

“Chekov!” Sulu cries out in desperation, Chekov sounds breathless and there are sounds in the background, the red alert is on, people are screaming.

“What is going on up there Chekov?!” Jim is practically shouting.

“There is someone onboard, zey are attacking us all, everyone’s dead. I’m sorry Keptin!” He sounds like he’s crying. There are tears in Sulu’s eyes, he grabs the communicator out of Jim’s hands who just lets him. “Chekov!” His voice is panicked, “PAVEL” he holds the communicator right up to his mouth and whispers “please respond”. Jim doesn’t know what to do, he just sits there watching as a grown man crumbles. “Hikaru,” he may be trying to hide it but Chekov is scared, like he knows that he is going to die. Jim knows what that’s like. “I’m sorry.” The voice cuts off and Sulu drops Jim’s communicator and stares at Jim wide-eyed. What can Jim do stuck underground whilst his ship is so far away except sit there helplessly.

They sit there silently for a few minutes as Jim tries to look for an escape and Sulu stares into a space. “We’ll be okay.” Jim knows that’s not true and he has to force the words out. But they don’t comfort Sulu. Or himself.

 Sulu just sits there looking dejected.

He shuts the communicator and shoves it into his pocket. Kirk gets up and moves to the end. He started punching the wall violently, it slowly crumbles, he screams as he punches, all his anguish and pain going into punching this wall. He can feel the skin on his knuckle has gone but he keeps on, using his other arm. His eyes are closed and images fill his mind; _Spock dying in his alternate life, the first time Spock and Kirk met, Khan blowing up the enterprise, Pike’s dead body, Spock asking to leave._

Then he just stops.

_Spock._

Jim falls to his knees and opens his eyes. He was breathing heavily, sweat and tears ran down his face. He looks down to his hands, they are bleeding badly and they sting like hell but he doesn’t care. He has to save his crew. _He has to save Spock_.

Jim turns to Sulu who looks terrified and says quietly “let’s go save our ship.”

 

* * *

 

Sulu and Jim manage to punch, scrape and kick their way to the surface. It looked like they’d be buried alive in a shallow grave, but it was quite easy to get out, perhaps that was what their captors wanted. Maybe this was all a game. His mouth was dry and every part of him was dripping in sweat. Sulu kept close to him, he had his determined face on but his eyes were sad.

“James Kirk.” A voice came from behind them, he snapped around and was greeted with the sight of a species he had never seen before. Its skin was orange and scaly, it walked on two legs but had a long tail. It was wearing a brown rag and from what Jim could tell it was male. Its facial features where similar to a snakes and it had a navy blue tongue which flicked in and out. It was holding some kind of phaser in its three fingered hand which was pointed at the ground.

“That’s me. Who are you?” The thing paced a little around Jim and Sulu.

“I know who you are Kirk. We are Mghl’na.” Jim nodded a little but he had never heard of them before. “My name is Raak.” Jim looked around, trying to see if there were any more. “I am alone.”

“How do you speak such perfect English? And how come you didn’t show up on our scanners?”

“We know every language in the universe. We shielded ourselves, you humans call it the element of surprise.”

Jim looked around for an escape. “Well. This has been nice, Raak. But we really have to go.” Raak let out a dry laugh.

“You aren’t going back to your ship. Even if I wasn’t going to kill you, there is no one left to transport you back on.” Raak grinned which showed off his razor sharp black teeth. Jim’s eyes moved to the phaser in Raak’s hand.

Raak laughed again, “I’m not going to shoot you Jim.” Another... whatever they were walked towards Raak from behind them and Jim could feel Sulu tense up when it passed.

“This is Jyhgk. My lover.” Another male from what Jim could tell. At least they weren’t making any creepy orange lizard babies.

“How many of you are there?” Jim moved forward, his eyes glanced towards the phaser again, if he could take it somehow they could get out of here, he didn’t care what they said, his crew weren’t dead.

“Only us.” Raak slid his arm around Jyhgk who just stared emotionless, Jyhgk was wearing a white shirt and white boxers, both were absolutely covered in blood and dirt.

“Where were you?” They both grinned, a horrible sadistic grin.

“Onboard your ship, finishing up my work.” Jyhgk’s voice was gruff and low.

“ _You bastards. You killed Chekov._ ” Sulu tried to lunge at them but Jim stopped him.

“You killed my crew?”

“And I enjoyed every second of it. They sure put up a fight.”

The anger quelled inside Kirk but he stopped himself, he would never accept that Spock was dead. “Where are the rest of your species?”

“We ate them.” _Sick bastards._

Jim ran his hand through his hair, he had no idea what to do. “Kill me. Just let him go.” Jim gestured at Sulu.

“Sir-“ “Sulu, I’m not losing anyone else.” 

Raak looked at Jyhgk who shrugged. “Why would we do that?”

Jim moved closer, “please.”

Raak moved towards them until they were toe to toe.

“No.”

“I didn’t want to hurt you.” Kirk punched Raak in the stomach who dropped to the floor, Jim picked up the phaser and pointed it at Jyhgk who looked panicked.

Kirk pulled the trigger and Jyhgk fell to the floor. He then pointed it at Raak who whimpered and quietly pleaded for his life.

Kirk enjoyed watching the life drain from his reptilian eyes.

 

* * *

 

Jim flipped open the communicator, hoping that they was someone left alive. “Kirk to Enterprise.” He just realised how tired he was. His voice was dry and raspy.

“Enterprise. Scotty here.” Scotty had his usual cheery tone. What was going on?!

“Scotty?! _You’re alive?!”_

“Aye Captain, why would I not be?” Realisation hit Jim. _They had lied, made it all up, it was an elaborate game_. No way the communicator would’ve reached the ship before. _How had he been so stupid._ They’d been clever, they knew Jim’s name, they would’ve known the name of all the crew as well. And they could speak every language, Jim bet that they could imitate every voice as well.

“Beam us up, we’ll explain everything. Kirk ou-“ “Wait! One more thing, is Chekov okay?” Sulu spoke for the first time in a while.

“Ensign Chekov is fine. We’ll beam you up right away.”

 

* * *

 

Onboard the ship they were greeted by Scotty and McCoy. Bones was pissed at not being invited but honestly Jim couldn’t give a shit. He just wanted to see Spock, even though nothing had actually happened, he needed to know that he was alright. Jim explained what had happened, they thought it was crazy but plausible.

“I’ll give you both a check up, I want to patch up those hands of yours.” Jim had forgotten about his hands, he’s been too adrenaline pumped trying to save his crew. “Come on.” Jim and Sulu followed McCoy down the corridor to the sick bay in silence contemplating what had happened.

 

* * *

 

“How come I wasn’t invited? And why wasn’t Spock there?” Bones was trying to chat as he took Jim’s hands and inspected the damage.

“I didn’t need you, it was an easy mission, sorry. I haven’t been myself lately. As for Spock, I guess you didn’t hear about what happened then.” McCoy frowned slightly.

“I had noticed that you aren’t yourself. I put it down to the flashbacks. I heard the rumours about you and Spock. Didn’t believe any of them though. What did happen?”

“I told him how I felt.” McCoy looked sympathetic, “ _oh._ ”

“Yeah. Didn’t go well and now he’s hiding in his room like a bratty two year old.”

“I’m going to be logical here.” Jim rolled his eyes, “and assume you did this to yourself when you thought Spock was dead.” Bones gestured at Jim’s hands.

Jim sighed, “It wasn’t just that. It was _everything_. Every time I close my eyes I see either Spock dying or crying over me dying.”

“I don’t know what you can do Jim other than talk to him, try to let him know that emotions don’t make you weak or vulnerable. I think the problem is insecurity, that’s it. He wouldn’t know what to do with a genuine, warm, decent feeling.” Jim’s head snapped up to look at Bones who was fiddling with bandages. McCoy looked over at Jim, “Why are you looking at me like that kid?”

“No reason.” Jim stuttered.

“I think you should talk to him again.”

 

* * *

 

“Spock, let me in.” Jim spoke into the intercom outside Spock’s quarters.

No reply.

“That’s an order.” The door slid open a few minutes later.

“Captain.” He stood formally in the middle of the room. Jim walked in but kept a distance. “I heard about your mission today.” He glanced at Jim’s hand and the side of his head.

“Would’ve been a lot easier with you there.” Jim didn’t mean it to sound that affectionate but it did.

“Apologies captain, I was... Ill.” Kirk gave a snort of derision.

“You’re a terrible liar.” Spock’s face and body language were still unreadable.

He didn’t respond, they just stood there in silence for a few minutes.

“I needed you there Spock. I also needed to know that you were okay.”

Spock raised his eyebrow, “Why?”

“Don’t act dumb Spock, you’re too clever for that.” Spock sniffed at the compliment. “You know why. _You know how I feel Spock_. _And I know how you feel. Please, just let me in again._ ”

“Captain, I _only_ feel obedience and loyalty to you as my superior.” That comment felt like a knife through Jim’s heart.

“What happened to friendship?”

“Vulcans do not have friends and, despite what you may believe, I consider myself Vulcan.”

“ _Bullshit_. You don’t believe a word coming out of your mouth.”

“Vulcans do not lie.”

“But you do. What does that tell you?” Kirk immediately regretted saying anything.

Spock remained silent.

“I’m sorry.”

“Captain, may I inquire, why you visited me other than to insult me.” Jim could hear Spock’s voice getting angry.

“I want you to admit that you feel something for me. I need you to.” Jim moved closer to him and he did not move.

Nothing. No denial. No admittance either.

Jim moved closer again. “ _When I thought you were dead, I wanted to die myself. I love you so much._ ” Jim was whispering intimately. Spock’s eyes had softened but he was still blank and formal. With another step their faces were just a few inches away.

Jim took put his hand on Spock’s arm which was hanging by his side. Spock didn’t move but stared at Jim’s hand. Jim moved his hand down and grabbed Spock’s. He didn’t move away at first but then pulled his hand away.

“Captain, I would like you to leave.” Jim moved back, he could feel his anger building again before he knew it Kirk’s fist had flown into Spock’s face. Spock stumbled backwards but quickly regained stability. Spock put his hand on Kirk’s neck and he dropped to the ground unconscious.

 

* * *

 

Kirk had dreamed about killing Khan.

Slowly and painfully.

When he woke up he felt better than he had in a while. He turned his head and saw Bones with his back to him, talking to another patient.  He tried to sit up but quickly found out that he’d been restrained. “Bones!” Kirk barked. McCoy turned around, his face was grumpier than usual. He walked over to Jim.

“Morning sleeping beauty.” It was a joke but McCoy’s expression didn’t change.

“What’s wrong with you and what’s with these?” Kirk pushed at the restraints.

“You attacked Spock.”

“Oh. _That_.”

“ _DON’T OH-_ “ Bones shouted, he quietened his voice to a whisper, “that. That’s not just it. Sulu told me what happened on Tvetra. You disobeyed the prime directive, which is not like you, just to get revenge. Spock and I have been talking and...” Bones trailed off.

“And?” Kirk sighed impatiently.

“We believe its Khan’s blood. It’s affecting you.” McCoy sounded sad and as if he’s let Jim down.

“I know. I thought that too. I just really didn’t want it to be true.”

“We’ll do everything we can but _I just don’t know Jim_.”

 

* * *

 

Jim was released a few days later. He flopped down onto his bed and soon as he walked through the door. His eyes closed for a few minutes.

Jim was back in the warp reactor, Spock was on the other side of the glass, crying. Jim put his hand on the glass and looked back at Spock but he wasn’t there. Kneeling down the opposite side of the glass was Khan. He was grinning at Kirk.

 _“Shall we begin?_ ”

 

* * *

 

Jim woke up gasping. No, this wasn’t happening. None of this was happening. Jim stood up and walked out into the corridor, everyone was staring at him, some of them forcing out ‘are you okays’ others talking in hushed whispers he heard Spock’s and Khan’s name. Kirk walked down the corridor before heading back to his quarters, he blundered into his washroom and splashed cold water onto his face telling himself that he was being paranoid. He lifted his head and looked into the mirror. Khans face looked back. “No, no, no” he whispered as he fell back against the wall and slid down. Tears slid down his face.

He was a monster and he was going to hurt everyone he loved.

_He was going to hurt Spock._

 

* * *

 

That night Jim had a new flashback, it was of him in his alternate life facing Khan. When Khan had led to the death of Spock.

_“I've done far worse than kill you, Admiral. I've hurt you. And I wish to go on hurting you.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feel free to contact me on tumblr:  
> http://leonardbonesmccoyy.tumblr.com


	3. I suppose I’d always imagined us outgrowing Starfleet together.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Breaking free of superhuman control is never easy. But neither are goodbyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end my friends.  
> I was planning on making this fic longer but I didn't want to spoil it with bad subplots (like last chapter) so this is it.  
> I am so sorry it's so late I just couldn't bring myself to write it.  
> This was not proof read so it's a bit rough but I didn't want anyone to know the ending before everyone else.  
> ~Feel free to leave kudos/subscribe/bookmark/comment or contact me on tumblr (rupertgravesbutt)~

“Doctor, how is the captain?” Spock caught up with the doctor and walked alongside him, his hands behind his back. McCoy raised his eyebrow slightly and sighed.

He stopped walking and turned to Spock who had stopped as well. “He’d be a lot better if he knew who he was.” McCoy’s voice was supposed to be gruff but it came out soft.

Spock’s head titled to the side, “What do you mean?” “He needs you Spock, you’re his other half, you’re his soul. With your help he could fight this, don’t see what is going on?! Either he is becoming Khan or Khan is inside is head controlling his thoughts, feelings, actions and either way Jim is giving in, he is letting him in. It’s as if...” Bones lowered his head, “as if he wants to be like him. He’s given up fighting it.”

“I fail to see what this has to do with me doctor.”

McCoy shook his head. “Maybe if you tell Jim how important he is and how loved he is. Especially by you. It might help, he might fight it.”

“Love, a human emotion.”

“And one that you feel.” Spock went to retort but his mouth snapped shut. Bones gave one final eye roll before walking off down the corridor leaving Spock to his thoughts.

* * *

Kirk stumbled into sick bay with a drunk stagger. He clutched his stomach in pain. Bones rushed over and put his arm around his shoulders for support. “Bones, bones...” Jim’s eyes were closed and he was gently swaying.

His eyes snapped open and he grabbed bone’s head, forcing him to look him straight in the eyes. “I want you to, you need to.” His voice was controlled and firm but there was still a tone of tenderness.

“Need to do what Jim?!” McCoy’s voice was panicked and he was talking fast. He was scared of what was happening to his best friend.

Kirk looked him straight in the eyes, his eyes were glassy. “To kill me.” McCoy’s mouth opened to say something but nothing came out. They maintained their eye contact, the noises of the sick bay surrounded them but to both it was dead silence.

Bones broke it, “Dammit man I can’t do that.”

Kirk’s eyes narrowed, “Kill me _like you killed your father_.” McCoy’s mouth dropped open once more.

He snatched his arm away from Kirk’s shoulders.

“This isn’t you. Khan you son of a bitch I will find a way to kill you once and for all but I am not going to hurt Jim.”

Kirk’s mouth curled into a devious grin. “But I will.” Kirk turned and marched down the corridor still grinning.

McCoy flipped open his communicator, “McCoy to Spock.”

“Spock here.” “I need you to watch Jim. I think Khan is planning something.”

“Based on our knowledge of Khan it is logical to presume he is always _planning something_ as you say.”

“If you don’t get your green-blooded Vulcan ass down to Jim’s chambers I swear to god.”

“Understood. Spock out.”

McCoy closed his communicator and stared into the corridor blankly. He banged his fist against the wall and fell down against it softly sobbing.

It was his fault Jim was like this.

It was his fault his father died.

It was all his fault.

And there was nothing he could do to fix it.

_Nothing._

* * *

Jim felt powerless inside his own body. Maybe he preferred it this way. This way he couldn’t fuck up everything. Maybe with Khan controlling his body he could be powerful.

But that’s not what he wants, really. He wants his ship back, he wants to boldly go where no one has gone before. He wants to pester Bones and joke around with his best friend.

He wants to hold Spock in his arms. He wants to tell Spock that he loves him just one more time. And maybe if Jim telling Spock that could bring out his human side maybe Spock saying it back could bring Jim back. But that could never happen. Khan knew this and had kept his distance from Spock. It hurt not to see him. It hurt more than anything.

“Captain.” Kirk jumped at the voice behind him.

“Mr Spock you should know that I am not your captain.” Spock nodded slightly and stayed in the doorway, Kirk could’ve sworn he looked scared. He also looked sad. “ _What can I do for you?_ ” Kirk spoke slowly and his voice slithered.

Spock moved back a little, his body language was defence, “I am here to observe your actions.”

“ _Aren’t you scared?_ ” Kirk’s voice became firmer, his tone more fierce.

Spock’s eyebrow rose. “You seem to forget my Vulcan ancestry, we do not feel human emotion.”

Kirk stood up and pushed the chair he had been perching on away viciously. “You are half human too. You feel human emotion, you just won’t admit it. Do you know that that hurts Captain James T Kirk that you can’t admit that you feel for him. Do you know what is hilarious Mr Spock? He thinks your love can save him.” Kirk’s words were calm and calculated. “Can’t you all see? Nothing can save your precious captain because he’s not here anymore, it’s all me and I plan to kill you all, every single one, for what you have done.” He spat those words out, his frustration was clear.

“Do not hurt him.” Spock’s face remained blank but his eyes shone sadly.

“Is this love Mr Spock?” His words were used to tease, his mouth in a devilish grin. Spock remained silent and still. They stood facing each other metres apart saying nothing. Spock could not let him see him showing emotion, he would use it against him in every possible way.

He turned and walked down the corridor, he could feel Kirk grinning behind him.

* * *

 

Spock sat at his desk and just stared at the wall in front of him. He pressed the record button on his dictaphone and held it up to his mouth. _“Personal log. First Officer Spock. Khan’s blood seems to have fully occupied Captain Kirk’s mind and body and I am unable to help him.”_ Spock paused. _“I realise what the logical cause of action would be..”_ He moved it away from his mouth slightly and breathed, he moved it back, “ _but I refuse to harm my captain and my-“_ Bones walked in, interrupting him.

“Sorry, I didn’t realise you were busy. I’d hoped you would be busy keeping an eye on Jim but obviously you have better things to do.” McCoy’s voice was harsh and grumpier than usual.

Spock pressed stop and placed it back onto his desk. “I apologise.”

“Did you, Spock, just apologise to me?!” Bones’ eyes nearly popped out of his head.

Both Spock’s eyebrows shot up. Bones smiled slightly before a loud noise came from the intercom. “ _Scotty to Spock!_ ”

“Spock here what is it Mr Scott?”

“ _Someone’s beaming down_!”

“I’ll be right there. Spock out.”

Spock ran from his room to the transporter room and leaped onto a pad, shortly after Scotty followed. “Beam me down to their location.”

“Aye sir.” Scotty set the coordinates as fast as he could and Spock started to fade.

* * *

 

The planet he had beamed to was a wasteland. All that was there were some rocks. There no chance of any inhabitants here which made looking for Kirk easier. Spock fumbled his belt for his communicator before realising that he had left it and his phaser on the ship but it was too late to go back now. Spock walked with no real direction for ten minutes, even after growing up with the heat of the Vulcan sun the heat was painful and slowed him down considerably.

He turned at another rock and there was Kirk, just sitting there peacefully. For a second Spock could have been fooled into thinking it was Jim, his Jim. Before the realisation sank in.

“I was hoping it’d be you.” His voice was still calm. “I hoped that you would follow me down here.”

“Why did you want me down here?” Spock stared up at the figure on the rock.

“I thought it was obvious.” Kirk chuckled under his breath, “ **how** am I meant to take down Starfleet if I am on watch 24/7?”

“You want to take over my body.” Kirk nodded.

“Me and Captain Kirk had a good run but I need you.” He spoke slowly again, his eyes narrowed, they were predatory. He jumped down from the rock and faced Spock.

“What will happen to the Captain?” Kirk snorted in derision. “He’ll die.” Kirksmiled, “It seems I will finally have my due.”

“I’m surprised that you’re superior intellect has forgotten that I have different blood to you humans.” Spock put his hands behind his back, his defensive position dropped.

“All you need is a drop of my blood. And you’re infected, no matter what species. You really should have monitored that tribble.”

Kirk took out a knife and cut along his palm and blood poured from the wound. “I never liked the new technology” Kirk studied the knife, “I’ve always found these to be much more effective.”

He held out his other hand and offered it to Spock. “We can do this the easy way,” he gestured to his out- stretched hand, “or the hard way.”

Spock stood with his hands still behind his back. Kirk dropped his arm. He roughly pushed Spock backwards, he fell and Kirk launched himself onto Spock before he could react. He grabbed Spock’s hand, he fought back pulling his arm away but Kirk with Khan’s superhuman strength was too strong.

He slowly sliced across Spock’s palm. Green blood poured out. Kirk grinned at his success as he moved his bloodied hand closer to Spock’s. Spock thrashed about still pinned down by Kirk.

In a panic Spock’s hand flew up to Kirk’s face, his fingers in the position for a mind meld.

 **“ _NO._ ”** Kirk shouted, his eyes darted in a panic. His eyes then closed as did Spock’s.

 _“You are Jim Kirk. You are Captain James Tiberius Kirk. You are the Captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise.”_ Spock repeated over and over.

It hurt trying to meld with Kirk it was like trying to walk through a brick wall.

Both of their eyes snapped open and Kirk jumped back. Spock got up quickly and looked down on Kirk lying on the ground.

“Spock?” Jim looked around, he was back in control, for the minute. “He’s still here, he’s fighting back, he’s weak but I can’t hold on much more Spock.”

Spock dropped to his side. “I cannot lose you again.” Tears filled both of their eyes.

“I’m sorry. I have to.” Jim whispered as he plunged the knife still in his hand into his stomach.

“ _Jim, no_.” Spock held the wound with his good hand in panic, Jim’s blood covered his hand. “I am unable to treat this down here, where is your communicator, I can get Mr Scott to beam us up.”

Jim shook his head. He looked down at Spock’s hand covering his stomach. “Let’s at least do it properly this time.” He gave a weak smile and took his hand into his own. Spock didn’t pull away, he held on tightly.

Jim breathed heavily and uncomfortably as he pushed himself up so he was sitting up. He bought their joint hands to his lips and kissed them gently. “I meant it when I said that I love you Spock, I always have.” Spock just carried on staring at Jim, his mouth slightly open and tears streaming down his face silently.

Jim pulled Spock’s head to his chest, who complied awkwardly, and stroked his head lightly.

“I am sorry.” Spock simply said. Sorry he couldn’t tell him he loved him, sorry that he had died to save Spock from being mind fucked by Khan.

“ _It’s okay._ ” Jim spoke softly and quietly. Blood started forming in his mouth as he laughed breathlessly.

“Goodbye Spock.” Tears started streaming down his face as Jim’s breathing slowed.

“Goodbye Captain.” Jim’s eyes closed and his breathing stopped completely.

* * *

 

Spock laid there, his head still on Jim’s chest. He cried into Jim’s shirt. He stayed there for hours. He was unsure what to do now apart from letting himself die as well.

“ _Ohmygod._ ” Bones’ voice sounded from behind them. Bones pulled up Spock and put his arm around him, McCoy was crying and staring at Jim’s body.

He carried Spock over to some nurses who cleaned his cut hand up but the whole time he kept looking at Jim’s corpse hoping he would come back to life even though he knew this time it wouldn’t.

It was over.

* * *

 

Spock didn't officially attend the funeral. He just couldn’t.

He stood at the edge watching with Elder Spock. They stood in silence. Spock looked for the crew of the Enterprise. Chekov and Sulu were holding each other as where Uhura and Scotty. Bones sat there with his head in his hands.

“May I ask, did you tell your Jim that you loved him?”

Elder Spock sighed, “I tried but I could never say it properly.” He looked at Spock, “I hoped that you would be different.” Spock looked away.

“I am sorry Spock.” Elder Spock took Spock's hand and placed a holo-emitter into it. He held up a Vulcan salute and walked away before Spock could return it.

He stared after him before studying the holo-emitter in his hand. Spock pressed the activation button tentatively. A holographic image materialised in front of him, the image was of Jim but not his Jim.

This Jim looking straight at him and sung,

 _“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you…”_ Jim stopped and grinned before continuing, _“I know I know, it’s illogical to celebrate something you had nothing to do with, but I haven’t had the chance to congratulate you on your appointment to the ambassadorship so I thought I’d seize the occasion… Bravo, Spock — they tell me your first mission may take you away for awhile, so I’ll be the first to wish you luck… and to say…”_ Jim looks like he is holding back tears, _“I miss you, old friend_.”

Spock stared down at the hologram, a sad smile forming.

_“I suppose I’d always imagined us… outgrowing Starfleet together. Watching life swing us into our Emeritus years. You once said being a starship captain was my first, best destiny… if that’s true, then yours is to be by my side. If there’s any true logic to the universe… we’ll end up on that bridge again someday.”_

Jim grins at him and the hologram disappears.

Spock smiled sadly.

_“Goodbye Jim.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end scene is thanks to this article (http://trekmovie.com/2009/11/23/read-the-star-trek-2009-scene-written-for-william-shatner/)  
> ~Thank you everyone who has helped and supported me.~


End file.
